baby jane

"i dont want to talk about it! every time i think about something nice, you remind me of bad things. i only want to talk about the nice things!"


gloom and doom, blah, blah.

college

"some say that knowledge is something sat down in your lap"

i've said it all along, and now that it's over, i can vouche (-e?) that i didn't learn anything of importance at a university. importance may not be the word. maybe... practicality.

i studied two areas that are almost completely subjective. and granted, i love subjectivity, because i'm a liar, but how do you judge subjectivity? how do you justify inferiority in a subjective area of study?

the past 4.5 years were full of setbacks and setting-fourths (ha), and this is what has been equated. me, where i am now, 2 days post-grad, sitting in the cold, with zero obligations, and "the world is my oyster"

how do you get a fucking pearl if you can't afford scuba diving equipment or lessons.
and i can't hold my breath very long. freaks me out.

last year around this time a man that feeds squirrels made me realize i've been lying to myself for quite a long time (in young person's years).

one thing i do know is that i've always wanted to look emaciated. so, here i come.


other than that...... idk! hehe.

my turn

i just need someone that doesn't identify themselves through cliches?

one more step

to the top of the cityyyy.

it used to be that the tallest spot in a city was a cathedral.

then a political building.

now they are businesses.

minor set back

but when am i going to get this reward i've been working on?

couple thoughts

moral development occurs within the individual.

let's go to the waterfall. have a bar-b-que. marinate that music. share the indulgence.

redundant cigarettes.

do what you want and fuck the rest!!! hah.

take it

so much water.


just give it a try, an ounce of thought.

oh by the time you read this

i'll be well in touch.

people.
people who need people.
people talkin' bout people.
people who 'need' people.
children. acting like people.
children, disrespected by people.
haha where am i going with that.

opening up isn't always too great, i mean people say let it out, but it's not necessarily necessary.

there's other ways to relieve tension than to make other people feel bad about themselves.

bleh

thus far it seems reasonable to stipulate that individuals with a vomiting phobia deem events as being within their control and may therefore find it difficult torelinquish this control during the act of vomiting, thus inducing a phobia.

blah

blah blah-blah blah, blah blah-blah-blah blah

those sunshine days

he wrote his journal in the 3rd person.
it was his first attempt at correcting a human situation.
and that was his downfall.
you're all laughing.
the only way out was up.

not a rent reference.

that's my new philosophy

sorry for that title.

people always 'embrace' the 'power' to say 'no.'

i think i actually need to get the power to say 'yes.'

paranoia

always gets the best of me.

but usually things are true.
so can you blame me?


at least i know what kind of old man i'll be.

pr

some self-censorship,

"and that's what i do... that's. my. job."

"comfortable"

no, not me.

i hate writing this blog in a duquesne computer lab.

i don't know how to do it, but it has to happen. it makes me squirm so so so so so bad.

just want like... australia. too early for this shit.


so so so so so so so so so over it. so over it. i can read, you know.

put on my socks, i'm going on an adventure

gonna see emma


rip..... miss you.

dumb

it needs to stop.

NOW.

cultivation

ignorance is bliss
words i don't live by.
but in some cases, it is true.

you can know too much.
truth is an issue for a reason.
i don't mean knowing everything.
i mean knowing obscurity.

too many people know too many things that aren't true or don't matter.
they leave people like me feeling uneducated and ignorant.
naivitaay?
pollyanna-ish???
meh. i'm not out in the blue.
but i'm not overly anxious.

sure i may not know enough.
but i know some things.
and i feel things too.

what IS art anymore?

them heavy people

they hit me in the soft spot!

i set gaht damn what a weight
what a mistake!
how much... irate!
...i want to bake?

i can't even look in the door!
morphine shouldn't be in my house!!!
what's it all for?!?!?!!?
flames to douse..? (SP?!)

these are my beautiful songs.

the sound

that dream may have meant something. i saw her running.. triumphantly.

i don't know what that was. too scared to look.

wow

at a loss for words

i don't know what i just did

keepin it together i guess...

it's rough

i'm serious!

Amer, I can!

i'm sick of yuppie "indie" college students who talk shit on american culture and the state of our economy (who indeed did and do support obama) and RAVE over europe and the rest of the world for being so much more in tune with ways of life

like........ you have rich parents and go to college. you have a future. you don't know what struggles are.

get over it and be proud.

over it

i use the term "you'll get over it" with much frequency, and don't realize that it isn't quite the same for everyone.

i know where i get it from now.

when discussing petty rivalries among family members, my dad told me about how he used to get kicked out of his house for months at a time, only to return and it seem as if nothing had happened.

i learned from him, and he learned from his dad, that forgiveness is easy.

you can and will get over it, whatever "it" may be.

unfortunately no one else seems to agree.


i wish some people would read this, because it is to them. they don't realize the hurt and confusion they're causing the next generation. petty. silly. embarrassing.

the hard part

not much to say. it's pretty rough to be here.

"you crush the lily in my soul"

dramatic haha.

itch

well i guess that's karma

running on empty

there's only so much you can do at that point

driving from Moon to Elizabeth on E was terribly similar to how some things are going.


in other news, honesty is nice.

run fatboy run

maybe this time....

dope

i thought i was done with all my weeding

but they keep coming back for their last shot

what will i do when the big weed tries once more? or is that not going to happen?

guess i need some industrial strength pesticide.. aka heartlessness

fay ray

whatever happened to excitement?

generations

i love to think about being a product of my parents, and how my sisters are too.

yet my sisters and i are all very different, but clearly come from the same place.

it's fascinating.

family

why do reunions only happen under unfortunate circumstances?

august 22.. a necessary day

ruby

that's the question: "what's eating me? what am i trying to pacify?"

ok that's 2 questions...

there's no easy way out.. you have to think.

growth

were you aware that as you age, your drama level increases?
i'm talkin 30's, 40's, 50's, +
pure joy!!!
enjoy youth.

rough

There's a lot to learn from you
words I don't know yet,
but my intentions do

I can't reduce myself to this
Speechless face I couldn't replicate
Can't give an absent kiss

You may allow yourself to see what you want
You may allow yourself to be what you want
Rarely do they match up.

I usually feel like I have so much more to say,
it's on the tip of my tounge, but the back of my mind.
Like I said, there's words I don't know yet.

i stole this from debby

"Now that it's all over, what did you really do yesterday that's worth mentioning?"

-Coleman Cox

i can't tell if this is inspiring, or just incites regret.

so please be kind if i'm a mess

honestly, losing my fucning mind

i don't even remember names anymore

though only thing that is certain in my life is the fact that i am in the wiz

i don't actually know anything about BEING in the wiz though

HMMM!!!

in other news, i took a big hike today! i saw a large fox and almost had to fight it again. here's some pictures:

The Tower...

you can kind of see my house through the trees

ok apparently i'm really bad at uploading and deleting pictures. fuck.

grudge

i feel like i'm making a lot of enemies
and people are making an enemy of me

i'm just really sick of 'fun and games' that are genuinely just...... fun and games.

more typical catharsis

saw some light, saw some dark.

don't know why i would think it's a hard choice.

light is better.

and always something in between interferes.. that was just a personal joke that i found to be very funny.

sometimes shaky is exciting.. but i think it's pretty scary.

slowly... the green grass starts to groooow.

i think there's a reason i like to be early to things.. because being late is far too unfortunate.

ya know... everything's always chalked up to be a part of growing up.. but when can something just be chalked up to "being" something?

can mistakes identify you? repeated mistakes surely can, i feel. so.. i'm not who i think i am? i'm in denial?
or am i 'growing up'...?

apparently.. greeks consider 'catharsis' to be the release of emotion through terror (or something like that).
and i find this stupid blog to be cathartic.
so.. is opening up considered horrific?

i will relentlessly dance around the topic. beat around the bush, per say

did someone say kate bush? i'm fucking mesmerized.

ok enough of this lame shit. goodnight.

Love Toots

sweetheart, darling, bear in mind all the time,
that a constant friend is hard to find
but when you find one that is good and kind
never you change, never you change
old for new, oh darling
never you change, never you change,
old for new


*ps i know toots didn't write this*

Virgil

I found this on my old Livejournal... which is essentially an adolescent shit show, but I digress..


In heavenly minds can such resentments dwell?

..and ponder!

typical

it's such a cliche statement, but life is really, really too short and unexpected

never forget where you came from

RIP Bryon Naulder

talking

So I'm treating this blog like a Twitter with more words, and I'm fine with that. Fuck Twitter.

I was just talking to Davit, and we decided we need something definite, current, and complete.

That can induce some happiness. Perhaps September will be a good, clean slate.

what else?

"You caught me watching the hummingbirds"

intentions

I always try to write blogs. I think like a blog... Like in some kind of situational, potential conversation I'm going to have with someone. Never works out that way though. Usually I end up not having much to say, always reacting, never really taking the lead in conversations. It's not that I have nothing to say, or that I'm too shy (eh), it's more that I forget. I forget a lot lately. I forget to drive faster sometimes. I forget to turn off the stove. I forget names, and scheduled dates, and more. I also forget to talk, I guess. I think a lot. When I'm actually with people now, it rarely seems real. It's kind of scary. I'm so used to thinking, that when it comes to talking lately, it isn't natural.

Which probably explains how and why I'm babbling on right now. Who the fuck's going to read this anyways? No one, probably, which is fine, because I'm just thinking through my fingers. It gets awkward when I know someone reads one of my blogs, and especially if they comment it. But why be embarrased? It's more or less just flattering.

Hmm...

So.... something I tend to ask myself everyday when driving home is "Why do I do the things I do?"
Little things.. like.. lying to my parents about the fact that I've been in "The Wiz" for over a month now. Ok that's more than a little thing.. and I've been "meaning" to tell them, but it's like not even an option. WHY? I should be proud of the fact that I'm playing the Tinman, and tapping and whatnot. But no.. gotta hide it. Everyday it gets worse, too. Yikes. Oh well.. the truth will come out soon, I guess.
But I just do so many things that don't make sense. I won't get too much into details, but I mean.. I'm just kind of stupid. Though I am 21, so whatever, but... I'm pretty good at making a habit out of things. So why not make habits out of good things? Like exercise, practicing piano and guitar, and more. EH, WHY?
I also tend to have phases.
So.
Maybe it's just a phase.


OK enough about that. Recently my younger cousin Joshua friended me on facebook.. we started talking about our family, and how it kind of has been disintegrating and growing apart.. and how much that sucks. There's no reason 40-60 year olds should behave like 15 year olds, and the kids in their teens and 20's have to be the ones to see the forest, but that's what's happening. So we're going to attempt an "intervention" of sorts... this sounds like a silly joke from a kids movie, but there's no need to keep feeling lame about your family when in fact there is something you can do about it. It's you're FUCKING FAMILY! They should stick together.
He's one deep 16 year old haha.

In other news, I can't stop listening to Kate Bush.

And I'll probably just write another blog soon.

Have a nice day!

-Jeff